Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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