I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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