haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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