Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
