She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
