My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
