I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
