He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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