The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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