is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
