We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
