Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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