some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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