Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
