I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
