At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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