don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
