My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Randomize
