Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
