Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
