Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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