shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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