well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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