sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
