Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
