There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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