Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
