I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
