i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
