I met the friendliest cop last night
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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