Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
