Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
