If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
