I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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