so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
