Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
