Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
