we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So many bounce houses so little time
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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