I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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