You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
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I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
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Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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