I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
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Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She bit a glass in half.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
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Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients