Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
