hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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