My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
