my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sorry about my life...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
