my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
