My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
