Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
