Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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