uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
