Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
