Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
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He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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