Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
