If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
