I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
